I'll Never Have You
by Sapho's Daughter
Summary: Sara and Catherine love each other. but what does it take to get them to admit it?
1. Feelings for each other

This is my first try at a CSI fanfic. I am new to the show so go easy on me. This is for the great and talented Jellicos, who didn't think I could finish a story in a night. Guess I proved you wrong Kitty!

**Warning:** This story is about women who love women. So if you don't like that might I suggest you read the Bible?

**Disclaimer:** I have no right to use the Characters of CSI, I am just using them.

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She's leaning over the microscope in the lab across from me. Her golden hair covering her face for a moment. The face that fills my dreams and the rest of my waking moments. Its seared on my eye lids cause when I close them, even in a blink there she is. Her smile those sparkling eyes. Eyes that seem to take everything in and just send out a passion for life I've never seen before.

Usually I can hide my emotions, I can mask them with my anger and my bitterness. But when she teases me, when we're alone or when she just smiles at me after I've figured something out, those are the moments when my walls just break and I have to make some escape, physically or in my head.

My favorite trick is to name all of Newton's laws forwards and backwards. Recently I've started translating them into Spanish and French in my head. Sometimes it works, but most times it doesn't. And the more the smiles come at me like some silver bullet the more I fail in my hiding.

At first I thought I was just lonely because Grissom didn't pay me any special attention. But I realized quickly that I was just looking for a warm body to cover up my loneliness, caused by not being with her. Hank was a mistake, a big one. He kept my mind busy for short periods of times, and when I thought I was finally over her something would happen to drag me back to this Merry-Go-Round of emotions.

When she dates those sleaze balls she's so attracted to it kills me inside. To force myself to smile when she comes in humming some song with a new hickey on her neck is a fate worse then death. That Novak jerk was the worse. The way he talked about her made my blood boil to the point I couldn't see.

I'd wanted to smash his face into a window and watch his filthy blood just spill on my shoes. I pictured it happening several times as we questioned him. How dare he treat her like that, how dare he even breath the same air as her.

There is one thing that keeps me going though, she never stays with them. She ends it with them after a few weeks and she's back to joining the rest of us for a drink after shift or dragging us to breakfast with her. Those are some of my golden moments. The pictures in my head of her sipping coffee as she gives Nick dating advice or when she tells us a story about Lindsey. The way her face lights up at the mention of her daughter.

I don't know how I can keep my sanity when it's the two of us on a case. When we have to work so close that we almost seem to move as one. To me its so erotic, its better then sex. When we can just close the door to the lab and solve a crime, passing each other results and just performing the test, using every bit of intellect we have. Exposing ourselves in the risks we take of being wrong in front of each other.

Its orgasmic when we piece it all together. When she jumps up with that satisfied smirk on her face and growls that she has it in that predatory voice of hers. All I can do is follow her, scolding myself every step of the way. I've never been like a love sick puppy before. But with her I seem to make lots of exceptions.

Sometimes after work when I'm curled up in my bed, with the heavy shades over the window to block out the sun I squint in the faint light and can see her above me. Smiling down at mer as her golden silk like hair frames her face and tickles my checks. If I breath real softly and don't move I can almost feel her lips on mine and hear her voice whisper my name.

But reality usually comes crashing down in the form of my neighbors fighting or some kids out on the street playing. No matter how many times I curse them they don't get the picture to shut up and let me disappear in my fantasy world.

Its worse when I have to go into work after just having one of those visions. And there she is, in some low cut top leaning close to Warrick as they laugh about something. Sharing some secret that I'm left out of. I have to fight back the nausea and the tears.

The pain in my heart that makes my brain scream at me to run. But my body doesn't listen. I'll take her how I can get her. Even if its just friends. Even if I'll never know if her lips really are as soft as they look. Or if her hair feels like the finest silk in the world. I'm just left with my fantasies and my dreams.

Nothing will ever happen. She's so out of my league that I shouldn't even be allowed to walk on the same Earth she inhabits. She'd never look at me like that. Like the way I look at her and want her to look at me. So I just sit here watching her, losing myself in these moments when I can just stare.

"Hey Sar, I think I got a match." Catherine said happily as she entered the room waving the piece of paper in her hand. She was surprised to Find Sara was staring at something out the window and hadn't moved when she'd entered. "Earth to Sara, you ok hon?" She asked worriedly.

Sara felt the voice more then she heard it. The way it just seemed to caress her skin like a soft rain falling on her lips. "Oh, sorry." She said quickly fighting the blush. "I was thinking about something Grissom told me." The excuse was so lame not even Sara could believe she'd used it. "You found a match?" She asked in desperate hope to distract the older woman.

"Oh yeah, here look at this." Catherine said as she stood next to Sara and put the paper on the table in front of her younger co-worker. Sara leaned over the table and looked at the numbers and words on the paper. Allowing Catherine an unguarded moment to enjoy the sight of the beautiful brunette.

Too bad it will never happen. Catherine thought sadly as she took half a step back to prevent herself from reaching out to stroke the soft hair that nestled around that gorgeous face. The face that haunted her dreams nightly.

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Hope you liked it! I might write more, it just depends what you readers think so let me know PLEASE! 


	2. Is this it?

**WARNING: Two women who love each other more then friends. If you don't like it, read the bible.**

**Spoiler alert: Season 5 episode 24/25 Grave Danger**

**Notes: I have yet to see this ep. Just read the transcript and seen pictures. So I don't know all the details about how they got to the nursery. I am making up the car situation to fit my plans. And I have no clue if the cars they'd rive they own, though I am sure they have separate cars but since this is my story, this is how it is ;)**

**Thanks to all my new readers! Your support rocks! This has taken so long cause I've been waiting for the right inspiration to start writing. I hope you all like it as much as my last one. And of course to Jellicos. ;) My new obsession is ALL your fault!**

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Sara didn't stay long at the sight. She couldn't. Evey time she looked at that damn box she saw one of her best friends fighting for his life. She felt so helpless even after it was over. She was a child again as her father was beating her mother. Nothing she could do. 

"Sara, you ok?" Greg asked worriedly as he came up behind the brunet. He laid a gentle hand on her shoulder, frowning when she jumped. "Sorry." he said sheepishly and removed his hand. He was concerned for her. He'd seen her in some bad situations, when she fought with Ecklie after the outburst with Catherine, and a couple other near breakdowns. But this was different.

Her slumped shoulders and almost lost expression on her face made her look like a kid trying to come up with some reason for the cruelness in the world. She wasn't the fearless Crime Scene Investigator that gave up on nothing and just kept moving on.

"Its ok Greg." Sara whispered as she dropped the empty evidence bag she'd been holding. "I'm just tired." She lied, her adrenaline rush from this was just now starting to leave and she knew she'd be up for at least another 3 hours.

"Sara, Greg." Grissom hurried over to his team. They'd been working for days now with no rest. He knew that the morning shift could gather the rest of the evidence, if he could convince these two to go home. He was going to hang around then go see Nick. Maybe he could get Sara to think she was doing him a favor if he sent her to see their favorite Texan.

"Yeah Gris what's up? We're almost done processing." Greg asked, turning his attention to the older man and his mentor. Though he wasn't an investigator just yet, Greg was helping with the processing. Something Grissom wasn't about to yell at him for.

"I think Day shift can handle the rest of this, why don't you two go get some sleep." Grissom suggested as he took the evidence bags Greg held to him.

"I'm going to finish up here." Sara said absently as she turned and looked into Grissom's eyes. She could see how tired he was, and she could see herself in his. She looked like shit to put it nicely. He was going to pull the boss card, she knew it.

"Sara, they can finish it. We got what's important done." Grissom said softly, as if he were talking to a child. He put a hand out and laid it on Sara's shoulder, squeezing it affectionately. "You two need to go get some down time. Maybe even swing by the hospital and tell Nick that I'll be there shortly?" He offered the last part in hopes Sara would bite.

He wasn't disappointed. Sara nodded her head and sighed, brushing a stray strand of dark hair out of her face. "Yeah, I'll go see Nick." She whispered and her body moved on auto as it made its away to the make-shift parking lot of haphazardly parked cars and SUVs.

"Greg." Grissom nodded his head towards the retreating back of Sara. He didn't need to say anymore. The young lab tech hurried after Sara calling out her name.

"Sara wait up!" Greg called jogging after his friend. When he finally reached her she was looking around the parking lot. "Forget your ride?" he asked with a playful smile.

"Hey! Sara can you do me a favor?" Brass asked as he made his way over to the two dirt covered youths. Over the years he'd worked with her, Brass had come to respect Sara like a father respected his daughter. He was exactly how he wished Ellie had turned out. Well menus the problematic social skills.

Since all that was left of the case at the moment was collecting evidence he'd been walking around trying to find something to do. He'd been watching Sara work tirelessly and realized the girl, like the rest of the team hadn't had a moments rest in a long time. It was when he got a call from Catherine, asking him to get her car to her that he thought maybe he could Sara to go for a ride with him.

Now, up close and personal he could see the dark rings under her dull brown eyes. Her hair was tied back but coming undone around her temples and around her lower neck. She was covered in dirt and dust and she didn't smell so great either.

"Yeah Brass, Gris just released us." Sara said, passing the concerned looking man a slight smile. His eyes seemed to brighten slightly and he held out the keys that one of the officers had brought back from the hospital. Sara looked at him confused. She hadn't driven. She'd been in Cath's car.

"Catherine just had her keys dropped off with some uniform. She wanted someone to drive it to the hospital." he explained then tossed Greg another set. "Warricks. You go too. I need to speak to Grissom."

"I am not a taxi." Sara said, fighting with the last of her resistance. Then it hit her, she'd be able to see Catherine. "But I'll do it as a personal favor." She said quickly, worried Brass would grab the keys and give them to someone else.

The thought of seeing the blond goddess was more then enough to get Sara's heart beating harder. Rubbing her dirty palms on her even dirtier pants she sighed and looked at the black Tahoe. IF she dropped the car off then Cath would have to give her a ride home and that would be even more time spent together. Besides, she wanted to hear the older woman's voice, and make sure she was holding up.

Brass gave a knowing smile. For several months he'd suspected that Sara had feelings for her co-worker. He'd never been able to prove it but one night, after a tough case he and Nick Stokes had witnessed the women talking softly in the hall and they had both come to realize that the feelings were going both ways. They'd made it their personal mission to get them together. So far they'd been failing, but Brass had a hunch that maybe tonight things would change.

"Yeah, I owe you kiddo." he winked then turned to find his friend. He wore a smirk on his face. "Oh, stop and get her and Warrick some coffee huh. You know how horrible the hospital stuff is." He didn't need to see her face to know Sara had a half scowl half smile directed at him.

"I'll pick up coffee for them. You head to the hospital." Sara said as she glanced at Greg who was studying her in the half light cast off by thousands of lights set up around the scene. She squinted slightly as she looked back to where they had dug Nicky out just hours before. The cold brush of fear tickled the back of her neck and she swatted it away. They'd been so close.

"Sara come on." Greg said, pulling her away from the scene. He knew what she was thinking, because the same thoughts were flashing through his head. "How about you pick me up a coffee too. A nice one." He winked.

Sara nodded her head and sighed. Focus. She told herself. And started to walk to the Tahoe. Greg jumped into Warrick's ride and smiled. As he turned it on and pushed the CD in. Some rap came on and he gave a nod of his head. Rapping along as he waved to Sara and mouthed see you soon then drove off.

Sitting in the Tahoe Sara pushed the seat back then closed the door. She had to smile at the height difference between her and Cath. Though not always too noticeable, it was evident when driving. Inhaling deeply she took in the scent that was all Catherine. It was calming to her, and before she knew it she could feel tears rolling down her cheeks.

Not one to cry Sara was a bit startled and quickly wipped them away with the back of her hand. Everyone was safe, Nick was going to be ok. She reasoned with herself. But she knew the reason she was crying was because she felt guilty that she was glad it had been Nick in the box and not Catherine. She wasn't sure if she'd have been able to keep it together if it had been Cath in there.

Taking a few moments to slow her sudden elevated breathing, Sara closed here eyes and just let her mind be consumed with her private collection of thoughts about the blond CSI. It had been a long time since she'd realized she was indeed in love with Catherine Willows. Everything about the older woman just seemed to draw her like a moth to a flame.

Sadly it was almost with the same results. Sara knew that she would die from her heart break. Not because Catherine would hurt her, but because she'd never have Catherine. It was well known the very attractive woman was straight and had a new boy friend every so often. Sara had resigned herself to watch and dream from afar.

Recently things had been falling apart slowly. Sara couldn't concentrate at work and she was hardly sleeping. She'd told Catherine off last month and had gotten a nice fat suspension. But when she came back to work she'd made amends and both women chalked it off to stress. Sara didn't correct Catherine, she just went along. She didn't want to tell her it was cause she was frustrated that Catherine threw herself unnecessarily at losers when she could treat her so much better.

But this case with Nick. Well she'd almost forgotten her feelings for Catherine in the desperate search they'd been on. There was no way she was able to give Nick the proper attention for his situation. And she couldn't do that. She liked the Texan far too much to let her distractions over Catherine get in the way of finding him.

Looking back over the last couple days it was a surprise when it hit her. She'd hardly thought about Catherine outside of the work environment. She passed her in the hall and didn't try to smell the scent that lingered and she didn't try to brush against her when she could. No she'd been completely and totally professional about it.

Grabbing the keys that were in the ignition she was about to start the car when her cell phone gave a shrill ring. Pulling it out of her pocket her heart thudded loudly. Catherine's name was on the screen. Flipping it open she held it to her ear with a shaking hand. "What's up?" Sara's squeaking voice came out, startling its owner.

"Sar, you ok?" Catherine asked quickly. Though she wasn't with the younger CSI in person, over the years she'd learned to listen the feelings in Sara's voice. It was often the only way to truly know what she was thinking and feeling.

"Yeah Cath..I was just..." Sara's voice trailed off. She didn't know how to finish the sentence. I was thinking about you and thanking a God I don't really believe in that you weren't the one in the box. She was bitting back the tears, Catherine's soothing voice breaking though those walls she had for so long prided herself on building around her heart.

"Yeah I know, trust me." Catherine whispered. At the hospital she'd found an empty alcove and was leaning against the wall, her eyes closed and just trying to keep the pictures of Nick out of her head. Instantly they'd turned to a certain brunet CSI that filled her thoughts all the time.

"Everything ok?" Sara asked once she trusted her voice to work again. This time without the pre-pubescent squawk. Leaning her head against the seat of the car she breathed deeply through her nose and exhaled through her mouth. Focus Sidle, she told herself. Don't break down now.

"Yeah..." Catherine whispered as a tear rolled down her face. "Nick's going to be out of the exam room soon. They are getting the venom from the ants out of his system." She said as happily as she could. But Sara could hear the faint tremor in her voice.

"Good." Sara whispered, wondering what the reason she called was. It wasn't to tell her Nick was ok. She would have called Grissom for that. "Anything else going on?" She asked, half scared of the answer for some reason.

This is it Willows, just tell her. Tell her that you need her arms around you. That you want her rose scented lotion lingering in your nose while you cry on her shoulder. Not Warrick's over masculine after shave. Just admit that you love her. Don't chicken out. She was almost screaming at herself. Trying to will her mouth to move and say the words.

"Sara...I..." She paused and took a deep breath. "I just wanted to make sure you're ok." It all came out in a rush and for a moment she wasn't sure if she'd chickened out or not.

Sara was a bit surprised about the genuine concern in Catherine's voice. But she was happy about it. With a hint of a smile she sighed softly and leaned her head against the cold window. "Yeah Cath. I'm ok. And you? You holding up?" Keeping her voice strong Sara tried to hide the almost break down she'd almost had. She knew that Catherine had taken Nicks abduction personally since she was his supervisor.

"I'm fine." Catherine whispered disappointedly that once again she'd let the perfect opportunity to admit her feelings slip away. Lifting a hand up she mock punched the wall across from her and bit her lip. "You know...holding up as best as can be expected." She said as she glanced down the hall to see Warrick was heading her way.

"Yeah, well hang in there. Greg and I are on our ways. Bringing you and Warrick your rides." Sara said as she opened her eyes and sat up, brushing her fingers over the steering wheel in front of her.

"You are?" Catherine felt her heart pick up and a small smile crawl across her face. She had been expecting Brass or Grissom to come by. But the prospect of seeing Sara was a million times better. Almost as good as seeing Lindsey. Both females had a strange effect on her. They could calm her and within minutes get her blood boiling. She loved that effect.

"Yeah, and I'm going to stop at a coffee place and bring you one of those Vanilla lattes you like so much." Sara started the car quickly turning the air conditioner on. It was getting hot out and she liked the feeling of the icy air on her face. She felt her mouth part in her usual gap tooth smile and sighed happily at the first blast of cold air.

Catherine could see Sara's smile and it made her smile brighter. "Thanks. If you think about it when you get there could you pick me up a cookie or something. I am in a defiant need of sugar." She asked as Warrick stopped next to her, rasing a questioning brow at her smile. Turning her back to him she stood up from the wall, protected by the alcove.

"Yeah sure. I'll be there in about 30 with traffic." Sara said softly, feeling her heart flutter at the happiness in Catherine's voice. "See you soon Cath." Whispering the goodbye softly Sara was about to say something more but quickly stopped herself. She didn't want to ruin the moment they'd just shared.

Her voice sent a shiver down Catherine's spine. There was just something about it and she couldn't put the feeling into words."Soon." Catherine repeated and flipped her phone shut. Turning to face Warrick she let her own brow raise in response to his. "Is Nick in his own room?" She asked

as she stuffed her phone in her pocket. Not answering the questioning gaze shot at her.

"Yeah, we can see him in a few hours the Doc said." Warrick motioned down the hall. "They have him down there now." He explained. He wondered who catherine had been talking to. He hadn't seen her smile like that in days.

"Ok, well let's find seats. Greg and Sara are on their ways with our cars." She said as she started to walk ahead of him. Not wanting to be fired with a bunch of questions. Her tone told Warrick that he would be snapped at if he asked anything.

Throwing her tired body in a seat she sighed and tilted her head back. Breathing deeply as she folded her hands in her lap. Things were going to be ok. She kept repeating it over and over in her head. She tried to get her body to cooperate with her mind but it refused, staying tense. She was going to feel these last few days in a couple hours.

Warrick, taking the seat next to his boss smiled at her and leaned closer. "After we get our cars how about we grab some food. We have to wait to see Nicky anyways." He offered, in hopes he could get the beautiful woman out of the hospital and some food into her stomach.

"I'm not too hungry." She lied, as she looked at her friend. She was struck by his handsomeness and the way his gorgeous eyes crinkled when he smiled. As much as she flirted with him and loved when he flirted back there was just something lacking from him. She knew what it was. And was reluctant to admit it. He wasn't Sara. But that wouldn't stop her from flirting, and thinking that maybe one day he might make her forget about the feelings of love that swept through her body any time she saw the brunet.

Her thoughts were interrupted by Greg jogging over to them. "Hey guys." he said excitedly, handing Warrick the keys.

"Wow Greg, did you speed or something?" Catherine asked, glad for the distraction as she sat up and shifted in her chair. She smiled when he blushed and shuffled his feet. "At least you didn't get pulled over." She said dryly and rolled her eyes. Standing up she stretched her arms over her head and sighed. "I can't sit." She muttered then started to walk down the hall leaving both guys looking after her with frowns.

"Was it something I said?" Greg asked looking to Warrick.

"Naw, she's just worried about Nicky. You know how she gets." He explained and grabbed an old magazine from the small table between the chair to his right. He was half tempted to go after her but he knew that she just needed some space to walk around and de-stress.

Taking his lead, Greg sat down and grabbed one as well. Knowing that Sara would be there soon with coffee and that would ease everyone's mood.

After walking around Catherine found herself sitting on one of the stone benches outside the emergency entrance. For some reason seeing people rushing past and ambulances with their lights on didn't upset it. In fact it did the opposite. The night chill was starting to settle in her bones, she hadn't noticed it early at the scene but that was because her thoughts were else where. Now she was shivering.

Wrapping her arms around her body and leaning forward she sighed and just breathed deeply trying to convince her body that is was hot out and her teeth were not chattering. Her eyes closed tightly she felt a small smile on her face as she thought about Sara sitting next to her. Wrapping her arms around her to keep her warm. The thought was warming her up and she was starting to sit up.

"Hey its cold out here and you need a jacket." The voice said from her left, as if out of her dreams. Sitting up quickly Catherine felt her breath caught in her throat. Sara was walking up to her with a cardboard container with 4 steaming cups and a bag of something.

"I needed some fresh air." Catherine said lamely and stood up. "You got here quickly." She continued knowing she needed to fill the silence in.

"Yeah, well not too many people out at the moment." Sara explained. She didn't want to admit that she'd broken a few laws getting there and was sure she'd be getting a lecture from Brass and Grissom when reports of her flying down the road reached them. But the smile on Catherine's face made it all worth it. "Besides I know how you get when you don't eat and don't have your latte." She winked playfully feeling the stir of something when Catherine's face blushed.

"You do know me." Catherine whispered and turned quickly, not wanting Sara to see her blush any more then she already was. "Come on, lets go sit inside." She offered and started to lead the way.

Sara followed with a little smile. She knew that they had several hours of waiting till they could see Nick but she would enjoy the time as long as Catherine was waiting with her.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**

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**I know the ending was a bit of a let down but i had to cut it some where! Just stick with me and i promise it will get better. The next part might just be posted in a couple hours! depends how long my Muse sticks around :) Now review please! let me know what you think :)**


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